Synopsis: Mort McNulty is dead again, except this time he's not joking.
Based off of James C. Wall's "Parlor Games".
Parlor Games Two
Act 2: Scene 1
Review:
Act.1: Scene 1
It was the night before Mort McNulty’s big day. He had hired a new coach, Danny Dur, for his Pee Wee League baseball team, the McNulty Maulers, that his athletic store sponsored; and the next day they faced off with the Hochenbeck Hawks, coached by Alice Hochenbeck, Mort’s new rival. But Mort could not get to sleep. His wife, Tricia, would not be quiet, excited about her first day as School District Purchasing Agent. In attempt to get to sleep Mort downed a whole bottle of sleeping pills and put ear plugs in his ears. Tricia got angry and finally laid down with one last comment; but Mort had to get the last word, which was very sarcastic and not so nice, and for that he was kicked out of the house, in the middle of winter, with nothing but the pajamas he had on, a small blanket and a teddy bear named Killer.
Act 1: Scene 2
Mort found shelter in the garage and tried his best to sleep there. An hour later, Tricia became worried about her husband and went out to check on him. When she found him in the garage, he had no pulse and wasn’t breathing. At first she, understandably, assumed that he was playing yet another practical joke but soon realized that wasn’t and called 911. Martha Tower, a woman, who knows everyone’s business, answered the phone and also thought it was a joke. Eventually two paramedics, Joe and Shean, who also thought it was a prank, got there carrying sandwiches from Happy Burger in their hands, claiming they were stuck in traffic. Tricia was fuming with rage but even that didn’t hurry the paramedics; but when they checked his pulse and breathing they knew it was no joke. Joe called for an ambulance and explained what happened while Shean comforted Tricia. Tricia got Sally, her next door neighbor to watch her children, and when the ambulance came, she went with it to the morgue.
Act 1: Scene 3
At the morgue Tricia was expected to explain what happened and was needed to answer some questions concerning burial and embalming. After calling a few people, Tricia explained how Mort had decided that he did not want to be filled with fluid when he died, and consented to his wishes, however childish their reasoning. In conversation with the attendant, also named Sally, the name Harley Allenbrand came up in a conversation about coffin choices. Harley was a friend who was brought into Mort’s last little scheme. Apparently, he had gotten a sum of money from, Tricia’s employer, Roberta Kluzinski, who had been able to inherit fifty thousand dollars because of him. He had used this money to start his own coffin making business. After talking to Mort’s mother ,Grace McNulty, and Dave Collins, Mort’s best friend, they decide to go and pay a visit to Harley to see what kind of coffin options they had.
(TRICIA, GRACE, and DAVE come in L. They are all wearing coats. DAVE has a cold and his constantly sniffing and often sneezing. GRACE is seemingly calm and optimistic. TRICIA still seems to be in shock. She is very quiet and depressed looking).
DAVE. Whoo, is it cold out there!
GRACE. Oh, yes. (To TRICIA in a sing-song voice). Just, oh so chilly out there, isn’t it dear?
(DAVE and TRICIA both look at GRACE and roll their eyes. They pause for a few seconds to look around. Mechanical gadgets and doohickeys are scattered around the room, some on tables, but a lot on the floor).
GRACE. (Incredulously to DAVE). Do you we have the right address?
DAVE. Most definitely.
GRACE. But I thought this was supposed to be a place where they sell—coffins.
DAVE. Huh, from the contents of this disaster, I think he also makes them. Now, where is that man?
(HARLEY walks on R, oblivious to their huddled presence. He’s wearing a very dirty auto-mechanics jumpsuit and he’s scrounging through the different piles obviously looking for something. This goes on for some time. The group of three are looking at each other amazed. DAVE is smiling, TRICIA is just being patient, and GRACE looks appalled and is mouthing “no”).
DAVE. (He chuckles when HARLEY walks around them looking). Um…Mr. Allenbrand. (Becoming impatient). Excuse me!
HARLEY. (Turns his head slowly). Hmmm…Oh! Dave! Tricia! (Seeing GRACE he stops). Mrs. …McNulty. Um…I’m sorry. (He goes back to looking). You see, I’ve been trying to find my stupid wire cutters again. They have legs; I just know it! And what brings you three here?
DAVE. Well, Mr. Allenbrand. We’re looking to purchase a coffin.
GRACE. Oh, no we’re not! Not from him.
HARLEY. (He turns towards them and leans against a wall or a table). Are you still upset about the—
GRACE. Yes.
HARLEY. Well, what about the—
GRACE. Yes.
HARLEY. And the—
GRACE. Yes!
HARLEY. Uh-huh. (Turning back to his search). So, who died?
GRACE, DAVE, and TRICIA. (They are all looking Mournfull). Mort.
HARLEY. (He turns around sad like, with a horrified look on his face, and then bursts out with laughter). Oh, oh. You guys are such jokers, and to think you drove through all that snow to come here and give me a hard time. Boy this place is a mess. (He starts cleaning things up, taking things off R).
DAVE. Mr. Allenbrand, this is no joke.
HARLEY. (He’s gathering things for a second round of cleaning).Uh-huh. Sure.
GRACE. Listen here, Mr. Allenbrand. We are not joking!
HARLEY. OK, OK. I give up; I’ll humor you. Wait here.
(He takes his second load of things off R, and comes back on with a coffin with all kinds of gadgets on it; and it squeaks horrendously).
HARLEY. Alright, welcome to my office! (He opens up the bottom half of the coffin so that the lid is opened towards the audience). Now this is what you’re gonna need. (He gets a binder out of the coffin and hands it to them). These are my most wacky designs—ooh. (They are looking at it). Turn to page 22: that’s the rubber chicken model, or—ooh, ooh. Page 16: that’s the—
TRICIA. (TRICIA is shaking her head. She snaps the binder closed). Mr. Allenbrand, this really isn’t a joke. Mort’s—Mort’s—gone. (She bursts out into a fit of tears and sobbing).
HARLEY. (His eyes get big). Boy, this isn’t a joke, is it? (GRACE and DAVE shake their heads). He really is dead? (GRACE and DAVE nod their heads). Oh, boy. (To TRICIA). I am so sorry. How did it happen?
TRICIA. We don’t know.
HARLEY. Oh. I really am sorry. See, I thought…you know with that practical joke—wake thing of his, I thought…
TRICIA. (Just now getting calmed to a sniffle). I know. It took me all morning to get it through my head.
DAVE. (He murmurs). The boy who cried wolf. (GRACE nods in agreement).
HARLEY. Well, in that case (He pulls out a different binder, hands it to them, and closes the bottom lid), I got a different binder for you. Page one has my most plane coffins and then they get more complex from there, not to mention expensive (The other three are looking at the binder. He raises his hands), but just by a little. Don’t worry. Hmm…Let’s see. Safety coffins start on page…oh, yeah—two, and my most extravagant coffins start on page twenty.
DAVE. Safety coffins? (TRICIA turns the page).
HARLEY. Oh, yeah. That’s what I specialize in. They have safety features in them just in case the corpse “wakes up”. Each page has two safety features on it for you to see. You can combine them in any way, of course the expense builds too.
GRACE. Well, we won’t be needing any of those. (She tries to turn the page. The binder is in TRICIA’s hands).
TRICIA. (She moves the book away from GRACE’s hand). Now, wait a minute. Maybe it would be a good idea.
GRACE. What? You still think he’s pranking everyone. I thought you were trying to get over your denial.
TRICIA. I don’t think I ever will be able to…fully. I believe he’s gone but I can’t help feel that he’s not. I mean, I have gone through denial before—oh, I don’t know what to think.
DAVE. I think we should put some in there just in case. I mean it can’t hurt anything.
GRACE. Anything but your pocket book.
TRICIA. What do you think Harley?
HARLEY. If you don’t, Tricia, than you’re going to worry, so, you probably should.
TRICIA. Then that’s exactly what I’ll do.
GRACE. Oh, yeah, listen to the sales man.
ROBOTIC GRACE VOICE (RGV). It’s not like your paying for any of it.
DAVE. What was that!
HARLEY. Oh, don’t mind her, she’s just—
RGV. I’m the commander and chief and—
GRACE. Does that thing have my voice!
HARLEY. Well, she—
RGV. You mean, you have my voice!
HARLEY. Shut-up! I mean, shut down.
RGV. Uh. How dare you! Fine! (There’s a sound like something shutting down).
HARLEY. Heh. That was a—my newest invention.
GRACE. Was that thing supposed to be me!
HARLEY. Oh, no. I just…(He takes a deep breathe). I just needed someone to…uh…yell at me every once in a while. There, I said it. Whooo.
GRACE. You’re insane! I can’t stay in this place one more instant. Tricia, I’ll be in the car. (GRACE exists L).
HARLEY. (Calling after her). You don’t have to leave.
DAVE. Harley, how did that thing know Grace wasn’t going to pay for any of the coffin.
HARLEY. Oh, well. See, when I made her, I tried to make her as realistic as possible so I I connected it to another invention of mine, an MRE.
DAVE. Meal Ready to Eat?
HARLEY. Hah. No, a Mind Reading Engine.
DAVE. Oh.
HARLEY. (He’s acting fidgety). Why don’t we change the subject? (He turns around and opens up the top lid of the coffin where there is a picture of GRACE. HARLEY looks at the other two, who are very surprised, and quickly shuts the lid). Oh, dear. (The other two of them look at each other).
DAVE. Was that—
HARLEY. Yes…that was a picture of Grace. Please don’t tell her. It’s better if she didn’t know. She would never in a million years think of even dating me.
TRICIA. I’m not so sure about that. She’s just been very angry since John died. That’s probably why this whole thing is making her so upset. Why don’t we talk about this later. Just you and me, ok? Till then, lets talk about a coffin.
DAVE. Who’s coughing?
TRICIA. Dave.
HARLEY. Alrighty, then. (Harley reopens the bottom half of the coffin and takes out a keyboard). I told you this was my office. Ok, do you know what you want?
TRICIA. I just want something small but accurate. Can you monitor life signs?
HARLEY. Can do (He‘s typing her requests into his computer. The screen is on the inside of the open lid).
TRICIA. And what about a listening system.
HARLEY. Got it.
TRICIA. What about, extra comfortable?
HARLEY. (He turns to TRICIA). Yeah, I can do that for you. Is that it.
DAVE. I’ll put some snack foods in it before we put it under.
TRICIA. Good idea.
HARLEY. If there’s nothing else than I guess I’ll get to work. It should be ready in about an hour. (He exits R).
TRICIA. Dave.
DAVE. Yeah?
TRICIA. I miss him.
DAVE. Yeah, so do I, Tricia. So do I.
(They exit L).
End of Act 2: Scene 1
7 October 2006